more explorations of grief and shame.

HI. It’s me again. I just posted and more reflections are pouring in. Most of us come here as spiritual explorers who want to apply universal laws to our lives, once we realize that we can play this human game here on a level playing field. Before that time, or hiding is too intense to allow that we could have a say in how we experience our own life.

So . . . it’s getting personal. If you follow this blog, you see I sort of let it all hang out. I don’t benefit from repressing or over-sharing, so I’ll try and keep it relevant.

Why did I allow for a change in plans – oh yes, I’m talking about my failed trip again – to visit sooner rather than later? Was it excitement? Wanting to ride the wave of my beloved’s willing participation? Needing to see my friend before she became too sick for a visit? Wanting to avoid waiting in which the uncertainty of her health status would continue to weigh on me?

How much support did I truly need for this trip? As it came closer, I became accutely aware that I needed the support of a good night’s sleep – which was denied me two nights in a row. It was becoming a “thing”. To sleep or not to sleep! That is a question!

I reasoned that eventually I would have to sleep. But to try and sleep when you are now worried about sleeping, so you have the strength to grieve and make a long trip and make sure your kids have a decent time . . . it is now a feature of the trip. One that I had hoped would resolve, but didn’t.

when my family travels to Brazil, there is often a long trip where we are not getting so much rest as we normally enjoy. Yet there is the promise of the children being entertained by relatives and loud cartoons from the cartoon network – streamed worldwide now and in english – and day trips to entertaining beaches and tourist spots. There is the Aunt and cousin who are at the ready with food/lodging/comforts and energy to bounce around with young ones. There is a sense of security that they are healthy and have life yet to live.

Ah! expectations, projections, the realities of travel, the rigors of a family en route – anywhere – I digress.

The shame of having spent so much time hiding and holding untruths within. Of being a part of generations of alcoholic thinkers – a part of the puzzle that brings light and hope and peace. To walk humbly.

I now have understanding why my parent said they did not go to their mother’s funeral. I totally get it. I totally get it.

Just when I think I cannot walk a mile in other’s shoes. Just when I think I understand humility, more and more blessed layers reveal themselves. Why not go all the way? Why not live with my head in the Lion’s mouth?

A toast to sticking your head in the Lion’s mouth and keeping it there!

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