Sometimes when I am struggling to let go, to stay in the present moment or to activate my I AM bliss, it is because something needs to happen first. This “first things first” is to dis illusions. When you dis something, in slang, you negate it. You “through shade” at it, in a matter of speaking. It is like, so to speak, throwing a dog a bone. Even the dog of illusion needs to eat. The illusion that power, fame, money and reputation/territory will give you a clue to what makes you tick, what makes you feel alive needs to be thrown a bone.
It is the dog that chases you endlessly in the night. It is that skeleton in your closet. The demon that you want to be friend.
As long as you make the illusion your enemy, it will persist. You will not be able to “let it go and let God” nor will you be able to focus, even, because you are rejecting what you know is a part of yourself. Shadow or shade is only possible for the light. It is made by light. So, in a way, your disillusionment makes you. It reorients you towards what is more true, more aligned, more you.
When you get a taste of the depths of you, it is like you awaken to the truth. You know, by extension, that you are not the tiny wave at the top of the ocean. You cannot identify with the tossing about that is the boat of the personality on the tide. Yet, outright rejection of this illusion reality that seems to exclude the deep will not get you where you want to go.
No. Like the Dr. Seuss’ book “Oh the places you will go”, you are in the waiting room. You are waiting while the work of disillusionment does its job. Sometimes you will wait a moment, sometimes a day and sometimes longer. It is not an idle stop. You are taking a moment to calibrate and gather your finer tools. Perhaps your sword of discernment is going to be made of a metal that is finer and more discreet.
Maybe your shield of humility is being fitted with jewels of loving-ness and compassion born of detachment.
There are many rest-stops available to you. Today may I offer to you this blog touchstone if and where it may be needed. The salt of the earth that you are melts in the waters of self-affection and your conductivity grows. Conductor of your experience as an electric avenue of Godliness, which is what you are and so naturally what you come to want above all else.
Coming here, to Earth, emerging out of this electromagnetic reality and then reviewing what that was like is what this post is for.
So, first of all, “ouch”. yes, it is a birthing process, becoming embodied. Embodying reality.
Yet (and this is a big one), the process is so damn rewarding and it feels so very good to finally “land on your feet” that you often have conversations with yourself that go something like this:
“Is it worth it?”
That’s it. It is worth the work. It is worth the moments of non-knowing and judgment and fear and pleasure and confusion. It is worth it, because embodiment means that you honor it all. It means you look back on your journey with love and stay rooted in the present moment. It means that you get to share your experience just by existing here, as yourself.
You have become, more or less, alive. Life presupposes the opposite, death, so that is why I qualify it as “more or less”. Life gives birth to life and death gives birth to more life. You sense this intuitively, and there is nothing you need to do.
It is hard to put into words all that doesn’t need to be done. If you know that you are eternal and that you are here for a brief flicker of a moment, you don’t feel the need to make things serious or full of some meaning or deep purpose or anything. You are the purpose: you as being. So you just can focus a lot more easily on what you want and therefore bring it into being. Being begets being, and it is contagious.
This post is a gross simplification of what goes into being embodied, and it is not nearly finished, this realization. In fact it has no start or finish, and yet there are moments that feel like demarcations. This is why I write today, to honor and acknowledge what feels like the beginning of “embodiment”. The Indian sages say “Thou art That” – that you are all of it. One without division upon the mirror of existence. The Tao tells you that you Are the way and to study nature. Buddhists will say that you are emptiness, itself and free from the burden of identity and the Christians emphasize grace and the presence of Holy Spirit, or God.
I cannot imagine that these words are empty anymore. They are fulfillment itself, when you are no longer afraid. Afraid of what? Afraid you are a what. Practice makes perfection, which is practicing what you are, in truth: perfect being holding this embodied experience. Alive once again to spirit to flesh to eternity and to time and to timelessness.
There is no judgement here. There is no need to judge. Embodiment is your reality as God in form, HU-man: God-man.
You are that. You are the way. You are God in form . You are emptiness and the fullness of spirit, therein, psychologically speaking. I honor you and I bow to that within you that is aware and awake to the living beating heart of Love.
Why would he use that computer, here, with us, who are not his kind?
What does he represent? Why is he here?
He could go anywhere. I don’t understand.
Where did he come from? How long will he stay?
What is his purpose? For what does he search online, here with me, with her, with us?
Am I safe in his presence? Will I be judged? Seen as less than, more than?
Will I be seen?
Will he see me?
Will I see him?
What stands in the way?
Can I be myself, with him here? At least the self I am used to being?
I really don’t want to concentrate this hard. I want to move on from this.
Can I be honest with you? I want to see you as a category.
I want to see you in some sort of role. Your presence unnerves me. Does my presence unnerve you?
What can be said, understood?
There is benevolence here? You will play a role in my mind so I can get back to the task at hand?
I will cast you in a benevolent role. It is suiting to both of us.
Harmless. You are harmless because you are like the person who played this role. My mind can relax now. I have done enough gymnastics to accommodate your presence, for now. Please play this role so I don’t have to think about what you could mean to me. Stay in your lane, please.
See? That wasn’t hard. You did it! Now, where was I before your presence interrupted. Ah. . . .now I can go back to being myself. I can be comfortable being myself again.
And, please, don’t come back here. It is tolerable for now, but this is not your territory.
Right now, it is accepting what is. If there is a change that wants to be made, a depth that wants to be acknowledged, then accepting what is becomes the meaningful bridge to the reality you seem to prefer.
As someone who is sensitive to feeling states and realities, this apparent reality of earth with its emphasis on right and wrong is a hoot.
I mean, what a charade we all play and how much indignation we seem to express over it all! Me, at times, included! Yet, if I want to enjoy the gifts of God, of Spirit, of joy and trust then a healthy dose of detachment is just what the doctor ordered! Then I can refocus my energies.
Concerns that need to be addressed, are. Conversations that need to be initiated, are initiated. Energetic boundaries that need to be erected for that exchange, are erected. Then, discarded, let go, to the wind.
The answer that is blowin’ in the wind, is always return again to peace, to stillness, to neutrality. Engage with this edge and receive the gifts of your focus, momentary.
Sometimes to lead and sometimes to follow is the dance. To free the mind and empty it of hopes and expectations, of judgement and ‘know-how’ or ‘need to know’ or ‘know it all’.
To pause as much as needed to reestablish the proper perspective, always.
What a joy. What gifts. What a promise of love and life: to live!
I wish for all beings to see the face of their love reflected back to them everywhere: that their holy intentions, whole intentions, are immediately received into the one heart – we all share! I wish harmony to be seen where it may have been overlooked, and courage to be felt and shared wordlessly: a glance, a breath, a smile, a pause, a hand outreached, a tuning or harmonizing or absolving and resolving. Call it absoliving: living in absolution.
This painting took me very little time. The year was 2016, and I had a blank white canvas, literally, and I wanted to honor the journey ahead by filling it with color and flow born of intuition. It is a portrait of my 2016 journey that is now hanging on my wall in my collection at home.
The markings at the top of the painting remind me of Grouch Marx. He is a famous comedian who has many quips to his credit, including “I do not want to belong to any group that would have me as its member” as well as “Before I speak, I have something important to say”.
His iconic eyes and glasses and mustache are often the party favor of choice for April fools day or any sort of mockery of seriousness.
Every time I remember to see my Groucho Marx painting, I am encouraged to take it all – not so seriously.
Sometimes, an intermediary step is that of the cynic, defined by google search, here:
a person who believes that people are motivated purely by self-interest rather than acting for honorable or unselfish reasons.
“some cynics thought that the controversy was all a publicity stunt”
a person who questions whether something will happen or whether it is worthwhile.”the cynics were silenced when the factory opened” Similar:skeptic
prophet of doom
doom and gloom merchant
a member of a school of ancient Greek philosophers founded by Antisthenes, marked by an ostentatious contempt for ease and pleasure. The movement flourished in the 3rd century BC and revived in the 1st century AD.”
The cynic is not a landing spot, though, since s/he, too, cannot help but be affected by the expression of doubt. I see it as a thorn that helps out another thorn from where it is lodged beneath the skin, only to discard both: pomp and doubt.
So, for me, it is a step given to me towards the middle way, the middle road. It takes both feet to walk the middle way – neither the “right” of the high road nor the left of the low road, with all of the connotations contained therein.
My dear friend and mentor since my babies were born talks about embracing both sides of duality. At first glance, there is a desire to scoff. At second glance, I see sanity, and at third glance, I embrace it as inevitable.
That doesn’t mean I take it all seriously, but that I hold on for the ride, since it is all going to pass! So I let go into the ride because it is all me.
Where does Love come in?
Love is. It is what shines forth when the opposites the duality’s of life are not judged or discarded, but understood within a larger picture. It often means that I am the most comfortable fading into the background of apparent life into my awareness, often.
I am teaching myself and feeling my way, letting life teach me and opening my heart and my mind. Trusting. It is really important to me and also It is not “me” or all up to me, since what I am, and it is a what, is an awareness. Primarily awareness, secondarily a consciousness.
It is full-circle, for me, since I wanted to be in the limelight for so long – to know that I was good enough. To feel that I am loved and liked and appreciated for my gifts.
Now I can put on my Groucho Marx glasses at my pomp and circumstance, cigar in mouth, and laugh at it all. I can fade into the background like the birds and trees which need neither to be inflated nor deflated: simple. Simple gifts simply realized and lived.
My goal is to judge less, with the inner Judge to lead the way (the judge of beingness (Just added this to the dictionary) which does not judge but understands, as in: I Am the “way, truth and life” ~ there is no obstruction here, but allowance, like a river without eddies – or a hamster habitat free from hamster wheels and with plenty of rooms exits, trap doors seen etcetera, or karma seen as a sweet moment of reconciliation and remembrance, offered gladly to the heart, since all is ephemeral wisps of though, at the most, in the end et. al).
Today is the wedding anniversary of my parents first marriage, the one which begot my brothers and me.
It is an amazing time. How long ago it seems, and yet all love shared is eternal. I claim the loving moments on behalf of my parents and me. All of the patience, all of the tenacity and care, all of the self-restraint and hopefulness, joy and happiness, detachment, forgiveness and perseverance. The made it almost 19 years – which in Hollywood is the equivalent of eons.
There is a glamour photo of my parents before they married and were on a date to go to a concert at the Ford Theatre in Detroit. This was the Glory time of Motown and they sparkled in their evening wear. It reminds me of a photo taken of me and my beloved husband on a whirlwind weekend in New York, shortly before we decided to marry and go forward in that way.
The difference was that my parents were very much younger and had both come from a more religious background with the war efforts and drafting for Vietnam on the hearts and minds of the young men and women. Short-story shorter, they were pregnant in a Jiffy, which served to bring in my older brother, solidify their intentions towards each other , and ease my father out of the draft. They were soon employed by a school in Michigan and they were off!
After the dust settled and they saw their plight ~ four children and a mortgage and not much time for much else and, oh yeah, who is this I pledged to spend my life with and how are we going to grow together? After nineteen years the threw in the towel. And who could blame them? Apparently I could and did, but that is now looked upon with fresh eyes as I consider where I am with my beloved Fernando and family.
I would not have had the impetus to dig as deeply as I have, in this life, if it had not been for my parents work in making their lives work to the best of their ability. If they hadn’t tried so hard, I may not have known that it is okay to try hard. If they hadn’t thrown in the towel, I wouldn’t have known that it is okay to quit. It is a balancing act, and they had the tools available to them at the time. Those tools have been refined. It is now the industrial revolution of tools when it comes to self-improvement, relationship advice and so on.
I am here to taste the smorgasbord of offerings when it comes to this period in history where there is a psychologist now on every block. How wonderful. For a while, my parent paid for my psychological counseling, when I was going to high school and then college – so committed they were to helping me through some of my rough edges. I tried to repay the debt by bringing my gifts to my family. This has served me well.
Now that they no longer celebrate this day in the same way, I still want to honor what they tried to do, what they did do for so long, by being myself. They have given me this chance and even if they don’t understand all of the ways I have taken the baton and continued the team spirit, since I don’t necessarily see a finish line nor do I use my feet to run, I know that they love me and want my best for me, as I do my own children. I have no idea what my children will choose to do with their lives, and this bonds me to the idea of my parents and all parents who must love and let go, love and let go, lovingly let go.
It is good practice for facing death! I choose to face myself today and realign where necessary so that death feels like the emergence into a non-physicality that is already in my possession. No sting. It is here for me now, this emergence into life without opposite and with out end. I will spend sometime here, now. Blessings to those who join me and to those who don’t at this moment.
First of all, after writing my last post, a grace alighted my mind upon awakening this morning. I thought and truly felt “all is well” and the literal thought was (and it was also a feeling state, simultaneously) “they are doing the best they can”. When you feel this way, all bets are off since you can side with this realization. You can choose it, cultivate it, reward it and even “fake it till you make it”. The best is when it comes up naturally, as a fount of compassion inseparable from your own understanding. I’ll take it! And, I’ll vow it. Grace and grit, as they say.
Continuing, the definition of Consolidate is to make something stronger or to combine two or more things to make a more coherent whole (courtesy of google and Oxford online definitions).
The sort of consolidation in consideration for today is a continuation of yesterday’s conversation. That is a lot of c’s!
Alliteration aside (ha!), the learning presented to me today took the form of an insight that is most easily shared as a sort of dialogue. In this dialogue, the sense of the immoveable, immutable, ever-present self is regarded by the personality. There is a sort of irritation, as in (and this is at the level of the personality)- “how can you remain so unmoved, so still, so transcendent and pure and unaffected by what appears to be happening in the world (of form)?” and the response from the transcendent self is (and this is felt) “how can you imagine that you can be defined by all of this movement and change?”
The changeful (personality) seemed to have resentment for the inability of the self to be touched by change, and the self appeared incredulous but without judgment towards “that which change’s” ability to identify with the rise and fall of things, the phenomena.
With this conversation, an activation was, well, enacted which is the literal light that is generated by these two aspects coming into consolidation. The coherent whole that the two (or more things) are combining to make more “effective” is not clear to me, since the wholeness seems to be a mute point of the unmanifest reality. I hear my mind offering “This is where the phrase “God in form” comes from. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that the origin is being enhanced. Source, God or Universe or Christ or the Unnamable or the Unspeakable/Unimaginable ~ that which IS and is the ultimate Teacher/Teaching comes through this tiny portal of changefulness . . . why?
I fear this question is unanswerable, but I hope, no I trust that it is livable. It may be that the reason is as unknowable as the unknown. Yet when I recall what my teachers have said about “release” as in “just release yourself. Release your gifts”, there is a mighty mighty pause, now.
Yes, I can no longer pass by this instruction casually. There has been a consolidation with regards to this idea and the idea that we permeate the world, a perfume of sorts, with our expression, our essence. When something is released, it is (thank you Google/Oxford) allowed to flow freely. Perfume is “a fragrant liquid typically made from essential oils extracted from flowers and spices, used to impart a pleasant smell to one’s body or clothes.”
If you allow your essence to flow freely, it is a different feeling state. It has no default mechanism because it is self-referential, and self is ever present as I AM being state, which is not automatic but responsive. Think of the call and response of the breath. It is no longer emotional, then, since it is not in reaction because it does not base its existence solely on the stream of thoughts.
Is this what is meant, then by coming to terms with being prior? If we exist before the being-ness, then we are prior to any thought at all – thoughts being concepts. Then, accepting the unmanifest consciously, through a mind that doesn’t understand it but can no longer deny its appearance and even grows curious and submissive to its magnetism, asking “how can you remain unmoved?” and hearing “how can you remain identified?” This mind that has come to accept that it comes second now enacts this acceptance through releasing it, like perfume, into the environment. Though it may be a bit mechanical at first, the mind is curious and open to what it has been allowed to be a part of, to witness, and is willing to continually release any resistance, and further, to continually release the sense of self everywhere everywhere. Does the evidence mount for the mind (for self needs it not) that the peace that paces and that passes understanding will be shared with itself while enacting this release? Stay tuned for more! We are just beginning!
I am writing to consolidate my thoughts for today and to allow what has been learned to marinate or percolate, offering continuous insight. This conversation, this writing is not casual. It is not dinner-topic conversation.
I offer that I come here, to earth, to learn about forgiveness. To learn that there is only one, here, and that we all share this unity which is the opposite of fear. Somehow, I am graced to understand that our destiny is intertwined: my freedom is wrapped up in yours and yours in mine. It is a condition of one-ness and also, it is one of the laws we are not taught about in school. Yet, because of this unity, how I think of you applies to me, because we are one.
In that way is all forgiveness self-forgiveness, and in that way all judgement is self-judgement ~ hence, judgement loses not only its allure, but its entire viability!
I judge when I think I know better than God. It is an act of arrogance, in that I stamp a person or event as unworthy of love. I do this because I think that what I am seeing is real or permanent or something besides an energetic exchange that I am only observing from my own repository of experience. And, I don’t get to choose to feel better or superior than that which I am judging, since I do not know us as apart. We are one at the deepest level, whether we admit it or not. It has become painful, thus, to judge.
What is the alternative? This is a great question. To ask is to be willing to see things differently. It also means that you see as the one-ness, which is all-one, or “alone”. This is the kind of alone-ness you want to cultivate a delicious taste for. It is something that is exquisite and subtle and puts you in the observer – which is another aspect of one-ness that is not praised enough. That is because if we were all observing our lives, there would be little need to buy into anything, hence our commercial education goes to the waste-basket, somewhat. All of this is to say, there is no right and wrong or black and white unless you declare it so, and there is no lack of the propensity to declare it: it is encouraged by all but a rare few who are established in the observer and then have discovered the peace of everlasting being without name.
This is the goal, the prize, and it is “eyes on the prize”, when you want to be peaceful. When I want to be peaceful. We are one, and our peace is wrapped up within one another. I know this post is a bit reductionist and there are many things not considered and mentioned here that could expand on these ideas, or provide more clarity. It is what it is. I am where I am.
Today, when I found myself in a judgment of my partner, I thought “I am educating him” for I knew “his action is misguided”. Yet who am I to say? It is tricky when you are parenting children, for everyone brings their conditioning to the table as well as their hopes for their progeny. It is a vast mirror for reflection and contemplation and an awesome opportunity for freedom. Simply put, I did not want to meet dear love where he was. I did not want to observe that I was judging his actions or see it from my limited perspective as “a call for love” – for isn’t even that a judgement? If I want to be free, and I do, I have to look at this differently. I can honestly say “I don’t know how to see this” to myself, if that is true, and remind myself of this being-ness – this I Am identity that is not a person with a label of “mother” or even “good parent” or “bad parent”. Not even “parent”. For to see this being as a “child” is also a label, is it not? Is it not a judgement upon the pureness of awareness? I denigrate the very people I am trying to protect. What of that really needs protecting? And I am not talking about corporeal punishment or hitting or anything like that.
Why can I feel sorry for anyone caught in the mind’s frustrations with living when that is not who they are, essentially or eternally? I imprison myself if I do. Does this mean I am silent? Yes it does. For a time. It also means I speak when it comes from well-baked considerations. Who but the bravest of us would come to earth to experience all of this? Continuing . . .
This is uncommon viewpoint to the extreme. This is not viewpoint but vision. And I don’t claim to always see with it, yet it touches me when I do. It is practical, simple and saves time and emotion – hence energy.
So, this is why I incarnated into this earth. As most children, I “became” (in quotes because I am not in the past) attached to my labels and then of course felt the need to defend them. This is what it is to be a child. When will I grow up? In deep sleep!
Then I am free from identity and confusion! That can be enacted now, though, with a claim to emptiness – letting go of everything you think you are. This is like the breath emptying out moment to moment. It has appeal, doesn’t it? It does to me! I become sensitive to suffering – not just physical, psychological or something, but spiritual. It hurts to reduce the spirit to a body. It becomes untenable, after a while and this is great news. And you come to this awareness alone. No one can do it for you and enact your life in the way you want to for yourself. It is your life. It is you alone, though many walk beside, oh yes! Teachers come and teachings and life becomes Teacher, too. Sensitivity helps to develop discernment which is awesome power. It is the difference between a life lived in obscure thoughts, feelings and actions and clarity, heartfulness and even gratitude and allowance. What an awesome journey and what a way to spend an incarnation.
Writing becomes moot after a while, since my words are not really mine. They are borrowed in ideas, concepts and then stamped with my experience. All of this will become unnecessary for me and you as we allow ourselves to crack the egg of sleepiness and peak out “peep” “peep” at the real world, resting and growing strong so as to leap and take flight. All in good time, said timelessness itself.