broken open

Have you ever relived an experience that you would have preferred to let pass? Examined a wound that you had hoped was healed? Realized that your broken open status includes the word, the sentiment “open?”

Any experience that causes, allows, inspires, tempts, threatens, (however you want to put it) to split from a sense of wholeness into fragments is an experience in brokenness. Yet, the experience that “shatter’s you” has another component ~ that of expanding. If you are shattered, grieving, broken, there is another option. You can, as the Buddhist monk puts it “go to pieces without falling apart”

Because we are taught we are an “I”, as in I Am, essentially, we can shatter. The I is not immutable. It appears to exist as in a large, white greek column supporting the Parthenon, the building, the body of our existence. And yet, this metaphor is also neutral, for to shatter, scatter and fan out, there has to be something there to break in the first place. This thing that can break, that can also seem to hold it all, is “I”. Yet is it true?

It is a gateway. It is the door we pass through to have experiences as an identity. We cannot play a role until we walk upon the stage held up by “I”. It is the backbone of the theatre.

When it breaks, it can mean any number of things. Why do you hear the expression “break a leg”? It alludes to tiers upon the stage – the breaking of the leg of the lower tier allows you to ascend to a higher tier and fulfill ambitions of greater _______________ fill in the blank (notoriety, fame, exposure, vision, integrity, et al). Being broken open allows a reorganization of “I” to a grander theme, a deeper reality, a more expansive view. How often and how much we break is a theme of great interest to humans. How do we avoid this seemingly painful experience, or, rather, how do we court it consciously? Why would we want to avoid it and why would we want to court it, apparently?

If we stay in avoidance, we prolong our current state of evolution. If we flow along with it, we allow growth. If we court it, we imply mastery, as in: bring it on.

Funnily, I am reminded of a comment from a facebook user on a private group in regards to the current “Pan”demic (PAN IS THE GOD OF CHAOS IN GREEK MYTHOLOGY – THE ONE NO ONE WANTS AT THE PARTY). She said that she has been trying like hell to get Covid: not washing her hands after using the public restrooms, going into crowded places to breath deeply and touching everything in common use….to no avail. But she wasn’t going to give up! Is this masochistic or an uncommon wisdom, a rare wit?

I am broken open this week. I allowed a split in my apparent “I” – remembering that it is only a concept of myself that can suffer or split or be in pain has not seemed to reduce the pain – and yet it is my utter salvation within it. Maybe that is what this facebook commentator was pointing to. Something that suggests utter invulnerabiity as ours for the grasping, the taking, the “not washing away” or vaccinating.

How do you vaccinate the invulnerable mind?

Let the feelings come. Let the grieving happen, for it is a timebound experience that will continuously point to the absolute. The freedom from not needing to “not feel” or “not grieve”. After all, even the fractured I is an aspect of I which is an aspect of I AM, which is God.

Something like this.

Kathryn Kathryn

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