Exile

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There comes a time for each of us when we experience the painful exile of illness. Even if it is a common-head cold, you are treating yourself on multiple fronts: the sinus pressure or leaky eyes, the fatigue or sleeplessness can represent the physicals. The mentals (“physicals” and “mentals” are short hand in homeopathic term for symptoms that are concurrent in an illness) include feeling insecure or vulnerable, sad and lonely.

Actually, I am not sure which is worse, the physical discomfort, or the feeling of being alone on a journey not of your choosing. For no matter how conscientious we may be that we are creating the life we are participating in through vibrational offering and intent, and are doing so moment to moment, there is always the opportunity in this learning environment for blind spots or even regret and disappointment at our agreement – no matter at what level of consciousness, or unconsciousness – to participate in illness.

From an expanded view, illness serves many purposes. I have a dear friend who is utilizing an illness to “remap” her body in the vein of Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work.

Just last night, I had a dream of choosing a horse to ride at a fun horseback riding experience. I volunteered to go forward with a group who preferred working with horses that have fur which is sensitive to the skin (I had inadvertently worn shorts instead of the recommended jean and boot attire). Because the room was dark, I chose a soft “dark horse” next to me that had an affinity for me, you could say. After the choice was made, the animal morphed into a beast with a human head (from my daughter’s current animation show) – “dark horse” indeed! I was encouraged to let this animal carry me and off we went. It turned out that the human head was a complaint addict and looked for excuses to leave the pack. Later, after a rest stop where I decided we were not compatible and made my complaint known to a watcher/handler, a visage of the beast appeared on my image screen – much like a cow’s anatomy in 2D would be available to peruse at a meat market with sectioned off various cuts of meat (et. al. ribs, rump, sirloin. . .) The beast’s sections, though, were being remapped to allow for different qualities to overlap the anatomy. Like where the low back was pictured, the words “charity” and “loving kindness” were placed. Other qualities remapping the beast included “caring”, “understanding”, “patience”, “love”, “freedom”, and so on.

Is this dream pointing to the purpose of my illness? Am I remapping my body which was able to speak with me in the land of dreams, offering me advice, such as “you are too heavy”, “I am looking for a lighter experience”, and “I can’t carry this load”?

What heaviness or load am I asking my body to bear? What is the lighter experience it is requesting of me?

I feel that the qualities in the remapping point the way, and the way feels very feminine. My personality likes action and progress, forward motion and “striking out”. Yet it needs to be balanced with so much patience and loving-kindness.

To be honest, I don’t know how to find the balance right now. I long to contribute and “make waves” with my one gorgeous wave-like life. And yet, my body is asking for some tender loving care.

Doing both is certainly not impossible, or even difficult. So wherefore the resistance? How can I make this common sense, common to ME? What gets in the way? Why do I feel like I am running on three cylinders when I am more aligned than I’ve ever been – at least it feels that way to me! Isn’t that a sign for “Green light go?”

Instead, I’ve chosen exile, for the time being. I’ve chosen to focus on the yin aspects of my experience and to make peace with my loneliness in doing so. It comes to me that this is a necessary part of regeneration – the coming to terms with the exile of illness and then coming to terms with the shifts that need to be made to support health, going forward.

But for now, I wait, I bless my exile, and I share it with you in the hopes that it brings comfort, knowing, support and freedom to your “down” times.

One practice that I am able to reach at this moment, after acceptance, is that of blessing the illness and asking that it relieve the fear, pain and illness of those who are experiencing those states any where the world over. This act is really powerful because it exchanges the loneliness and self pity of feeling sick for the healing balms of generosity and awareness that you are not, nor will ever be, alone. Extending this reality through this intention to all of humanity enlarges the spirit. A link to more information on this practice can be found here: https://www.tarabrach.com/articles-interviews/mindful-prayer/

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